I am genuinely interested in people, which doesn’t mean that I find most people interesting. I am curious and often challenged by the way others feel and sometimes I live under the illusion that I can talk to anyone, but it’s not true. With certain people, all conversation topics lead to a cul-de-sac.
I was in a cul-de-sac date yesterday, with someone I knew from before the pandemic. For several months before the pandemic we had been having casual sex. I cannot say we were friends with benefits, I cannot say we were friends at all, although of course we were friendly and I think he is a good person.
In the subway, going back home, I sat in silence. His presence still reverberating in my body, I thought about how deeply the pandemic has changed me.
Before the pandemic, this was ok. It is difficult to put “this” into words because I don’t want to blame this man, who is a good man and totally unaware of what goes on in my head. He is ok. Me letting him in is not.
The reason is simple: I don’t really like him. This is something I have probably known all along, but I didn’t want to believe it. He is a handsome, intelligent man. He treats me respectfully and so do I. When we used to see each other before the pandemic, he made it very clear that he enjoyed my company and sex with me, so we would meet from time to time, but we rarely did anything outside sex and a small chat before leaving.
This didn’t happen abruptly or painfully, our conversations just organically led to an end, a river drying out. Like a fish bouncing back from the sand to the water, I would always find my way out and continue with my life.
Regret is a barren feeling, so I cannot say that I regret sleeping with him. What I regret, if anything, is my self-delusion. I fail to understand why it was so difficult to admit to myself what I clearly see now: that you may not like someone for no reason, no matter how nice, smart or handsome they are.
Some people come to your life to bring something new. Other people come to take something from you. We know that. There are other people, however, who will not bring nor take, but will show you where your limits are. For this, I am grateful.
