What people tell us when we are single and what it says about relationships
For many of us, being single after 30 implies having to answer to two questions. First, why are you single? (often accompanied by an enumeration of all the qualities that make you girlfriend/boyfriend material) and second, what are you doing about it?
I never had to think about this when I was in a relationship in my twenties, and as these questions kept coming again and again, I had no choice but to reflect on what are the assumptions behind these questions.
You are better off in a relationship
No matter how advanced we think we are, many of our societies still favor couples. Being in a relationship is not only financially advantageous but also socially appreciated. Many assume that being in a relationship is a sign of maturity, of having your shit together, etc.
But practicalities aside, is it true that one is better off in a relationship than on one’s own?. Of course it all depends on your personality, but I have been in relationships for long enough to stop idealizing them. In my experience, being single and being in a relationship comes with its own joys and problems.
Therefore, whether you are in a relationship or not, balance lies in being able to identify the joys that each situation brings. In this sense, my approach is: make the most of the positives, manage the negatives. When I was in a relationship, I loved having what I call an “emotional cushion”, someone that cared for me and gave me love, even when I was not at my best. Obviously this was not unilateral and I also enjoyed giving and being the best partner I could. However, thinking in terms of “we” instead of “I” also meant making concessions, above all when living together. Now that I am single, I appreciate my freedom, the way I can choose what to do with my time without reservations.
Divorce was far from easy. At first, I was miserable and frantic, constantly doing something to keep myself distracted and above all, to avoid being on my own. I was young, but had been in a relationship for so long that I struggled to see how I could be emotionally self-sufficient. It took me a while to see the positives of my new situation, but the liberation that came with it surpassed all my expectations. After having exhausted all attempts to find solace elsewhere, I decided that I had to learn to play the cards life had dealt. Looking at the future, I now feel free to enter a relationship with another frame of mind: not out of need, but of choice.
If you are single, you may be doing something wrong
Maybe you are not searching in the right places, maybe you are not taking enough care of your physical appearance- if only you lost some weight, dressed better, cut your hair?
Such ideas are meant to be helpful, but the result is the opposite: it makes singles feel inadequate. The underlying assumption is that singles have total control over their situation. If only they did the right things, they would “find”. In my experience, advice on this matter is often divided in two opposite, contradictory groups: those who believe that you have to actively work on finding a partner by going on x dates a week, speed dating events, etc., and those who believe in what I call the “lost keys effect”, that is, that in the same way that you may find your keys the moment you are not actively looking, a partner will come your way when you stop searching.
I have seen examples of both: friends who found their partner after literally taking dating as a job, and others who met when they were doing their thing. So far, I have no evidence to think that one strategy is better than the other, but I guide myself by how I feel whenever I try. Also, I firmly believe that life, luck or serendipity also have their role to play.
You are too demanding
Are you? Shouldn’t you? This is extremely personal. Some people are more ready to make concessions than others. It depends on many factors, such as what you expect from a relationship, where you put your red lines, etc.
I am biased here, because I think I am demanding, first and above all with myself and consequently, with others. But I am also aware that it is not realistic to expect of a person, be it in relationships or in friendships, to be a perfect fit in everything: riveting conversation, mind-blowing sex, same interests…In other words, I still have to meet the person who is perfect for me, but I know that I am not perfect either, and it’s ok. The knight in shining armor doesn’t exist and it’s good that way: at the end of the day, we are all flawed humans.
How I changed my experience of singlehood
I cannot blame others for thinking the way they do. For a long time I held many of these views myself, albeit unconsciously. I wouldn’t understand why someone beautiful, smart, nice was single; as if being in a relationship were the result of a mathematical equation where given certain terms one obtains certain results. I would feel sorry for women a certain age who were “alone”, as a result of a projection of my fears or the misconception that being single and lonely were the same thing. I was often part of conversations where along others, we discussed what responsibility our single friend had for not being in a relationship.
Experience taught me I was wrong and I am so happy it did. I learnt the difference between loneliness and solitude. I came to enjoy my company. My silence became my harbor of peace instead of the cave where my anxieties are echoed by emptiness. I am no less, I am not incomplete and I am loved, since romantic love is not but one of the multiple sources of love and connection out there. Thanks to this experience, now I can understand Rilke when he says:
Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.
Letters to a Young Poet (1929) 14 May 1904 (tr. Hugh MacLennanI hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other.
Letter to Paula Modersohn-Becker, 12 February 1902, in Gesammelte Briefe (1904) vol. 1
